CBEB’s

I have a confession to make. I love me some “Scariest Police Videos” shows. I especially love riot footage. I have a preference for programs that take a more forensic approach to the footage, but sadly, most of the shows are pure sensationalism, and no one brings the hyperbole like Sheriff John Bunnell, host of Fox’s World’s Wildest Police Videos.

Bunnell made his debut on COPS, then hosted the short-lived series, American Detective. He’s also appeared in the films Ghost World (he’s Steve Buscemi’s boss) and Bad Santa (he’s the cop who arrests Billy Bob Thornton). However, it’s on World’s Wildest Police Videos where Sheriff John Bunnell really shines.

Known for his flair for alliteration and his use of the phrases “the next time” and “in jail!” in close proximity to one another, the typical Bunnell narrative goes a little something like this:

During my career as a cop, I’ve seen countless crazy criminals casually cruise communities casing kitchens and cafes for cold cash… like these ruthless robbers who recklessly raided a Red Robin restaurant. When a fast-thinking fry cook fought these felons, the fists flew fast and furious. And when brave boys in blue broke through the burglars’ blockade, they found these bungling bandits had already been battered by the belligerent burgermaker. These crooks might have been hungry for some cold, hard
cash, but instead, they got served a side order of hot justice. The next time these lawbreakers enjoy a hot meal will be… in jail!

If over-the-top narration was Bunnell’s only crime, he could easily be forgiven… but he’s also full of shit. It’s not an oversimplification to say that in Sheriff John Bunnell’s eyes, law enforcement officers can do no wrong.

Case in point: I had watched a show that discussed in detail the 1991 Sacramento hostage crisis. It featured cops and criminilogists talking about many mistakes made by the police officials, primarily in the negotiation process. When the same footage was shown on World’s Wildest Police Videos, the criminals became “terrorists” and the cops, of course, became heroes. Bunnell even said something like, “and then a quick-thinking sharpshooter saw his opportunity and took the shot - his fellow officers then rescued the terrified hostages and put an end this dramatic situation”.

The problem with that is… it’s not anywhere near being true. What Bunnell failed to tell the audience is that the “quick-thinking sharpshooter” missed his shot which sent the hostage-takers into a frenzy. They immediately started shooting hostages and the cops had to prematurely rush the store in an attempt to defuse a disastrous situation. Three hostages died and fourteen were wounded. Three of the four hostage-takers were also killed in the incident, but Bunnell doesn’t mention any of this. What an asshole.

As much as I love these cop shows, I’ve learned from Bunnell’s example to be skeptical of the claims made by “experts”. I’m also a big fan of Forensic Files, but I’ve seen at least one episode that was bogus. There was a show that profiled Sandra Anderson and her cadaver-sniffing dog. Anderson was later caught planting evidence at crime scenes, and eventually admitted to planting evidence in the case that had been aired on Forensic Files.

Unfortunately, it’s unrealistic to expect any accountability when it comes to police shows. COPS revolutionized the way law enforcement deals with the media. Ever since Dragnet went off the air, if a cop show was remotely realistic, it tended to be unflattering. In COPS, Fox found a hit show that didn’t need writers… something every network dreams of. Had COPS shown police officers engaging in brutality and corruption, other agencies would be less inclined to participate in future episodes. Sadly, this principle has spread across non-fiction cop shows, so there are rarely any programs dealing with police brutality, prosecutorial misconduct and junk forensic science. That’s a shame, because there’s no shortage of source material.

But back to Sheriff John Bunnell. I’ve always thought he was a ripe target for parody, but I’ve never seen a comedy show tackle the subject. After Dennis Miller and Rush Limbaugh lost their Monday Night Football gigs, I had hoped Saturday Night Live would do a skit with Bunnell auditioning for a commentator spot. I could picture him calling a play with something like, “This ditzy Dallas defender thought he could run interference on this Packers’ powerful pass, but a quick-thinking referee corralled this crooked Cowboy. Instead of an interception, this offending defender gave the Packers an automatic first down! The next time he sees a half-time show, he’ll be in jail!” Okay, I’m sure a professional could funny it up in post-production, but you get the idea…

Strangely enough, the Brits have taken a shine to Sheriff John Bunnell. Here’s a pretty decent parody of World’s Wildest Police Videos done by our friends across the pond. I love the running “Alabama” gag and the “every day, people like you and me break the law… except for me, because I’m John Bunnell!” bit. I should warn those of you who are in your little office cubicles that there’s profanity in this one, so it may be considered NSFW.

And here’s a very well-made clip using scenes from GTA: San Andreas: