CBEB’s

I’ve got to start consuming my requisite amount of coffee before making the rounds at my favorite blogs. This morning when I checked out Dispatches from the Culture Wars, Ed had an article about Alan Keyes’ possible third-party presidential campaign. Even though the post clearly states the Alan Keyes is considering a run for the White House, in my caffeine-deprived mind, I only parsed the following:

…declaring himself a candidate for president for the openly theocratic and horribly misnamed Constitution Party. John Lofton says he’s gonna do it, and he apparently held a conference call…

The thought of a John Lofton presidential campaing brought tears of joy to my eyes… until a few more cups of coffee made me realize that I had read the article wrong. Oh well, I can still dream, can’t I?

If you’re unfamiliar with John Lofton, you’re in for a real treat. Combine the D-list credibility of Debbie Schlussel with the glaring insanity of Larry Fafarman, and you’ve got John Lofton. To put it another way, he’s too crazy for Worldnet Daily, but he has enough friends in high places that he’s been given a platform at The American View. I realize that having a regular column at The American View isn’t exactly a sign of prestige, but Lofton is so tinfoil-hat crazy that he’s got to have some friends who are enabling his delusions of relevance.

The term “far right” doesn’t begin to describe John Lofton. He is so far outside the spectrum that he eulogized William F. Buckley the way many atheists spoke of Jerry Falwell’s passing.

Reading Lofton’s piece on Buckley makes one thing obvious: John Lofton isn’t very good at couching has statements. I get the impression that by omitting any mention of Buckley’s death, Lofton thinks he can dismiss any charges of “speaking ill of the dead”, but if you don’t want to come off as if you’re gloating over someone’s death, a few days after their funeral isn’t the time to denounce them as morally bankrupt cretins.

Lofton isn’t very good at hiding his racism, either. Take a look at this article, where he bitches about - of all things - an ad for employment opportunities at KFC, featuring a clean-cut Caucasian:

…let’s just say it’s been a long time since I saw young man like this working at KFC. Most folks who work there (my experience) look differently, which is fine; no problem (John 7:24). And they speak a different language - which is a problem - but only if you’d like your order to be understood.

I find it odd that he can find a Bible quote to confirm that it’s okay for people who look different to work at KFC, but provides no justification as to why it’s not okay for people who speak differently to handle his order of Original Recipe. Lofton goes on to complain about the ad, saying:

As for the “Customer Maniacs!” bit, I, again personally, have experienced no one at KFC so eager to serve me.

I seriously doubt that poor customer service is an issue exclusive to fast food joints in the world of John Lofton. Shit, I’m guessing that there are people in his immediate family who aren’t exactly eager to come into personal contact with such a raging nutbag.

Nothing, however, underscores the sheer lunacy of John Lofton than his article, “I Most Certainly Will NOT Send Koko’s ‘Love’ To Anybody On ANY Day!“. I’m not even going to bother quoting from the piece; it’s merciful in its brevity, but you’ve got to read the whole thing to appreciate the “get offa my lawn!” crankitude of it all. I’m rather impressed that a human being can be reduced to a blubbering idiot over a Valentine’s Day card.

In the near future, I’ll be blogging about some PMRC-era punk, so this video will help set the mood. Ed posted this at Dispatches a couple of years ago, but the link in his post is dead and this video should be seen by all. It’s not fair to say Frank Zappa makes John Lofton look like an idiot in this clip, because it’s John Lofton who makes John Lofton look stupid; Zappa is just there for the ride. The video is on the longish side (as a commenter at Ed’s blog noted, “…in the time it took to complete that debate Zappa released 3 albums.”) Without further ado, here is Frank Zappa vs. John Lofton on CNN’s Crossfire.

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When Robert Novak thinks you’re a kook, it’s time to give up.