CBEB’s

Last week I was giving serious consideration to paying money to seeing Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed. However, I recently had one of those “Eureka!” moments that made me ask myself, “What the hell were you thinking?”

Never mind all the publicity the movie has gotten over the past several days; this clip said it all for me.

I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve heard Ben Stein’s voice, because it took a few seconds for his whiny monotone to register. My immediate reaction was, “What on earth were they thinking?” Even if I was the most fervent of cdesign proponentsists, there’s no way I would be willing to sit through 90+ minutes of Ben Stein’s voice.

I realize that to the True Believers, Expelled is going to be the proverbial all that and a bag of chips, but I would think that anyone who is neutral on the issue is going to be turned off by Ben Stein’s voice.

Apparently, professional voice talent like Keith David and Peter Coyote weren’t willing whore themselves out and put on a silly schoolboy outfit.

I’ve read that Ben Stein was chosen because he’s not overtly religious. Whether or not that’s true, I don’t know. Judging by some of the idioitic things he’s said in the past, I tend to think the producers of Expelled saw in Stein the requisite amount of douchitude needed to capture the ridiculousness of the film. Furthermore, Ben Stein’s initials must have come in handy on the set. I can picture the producers hovering over the editor’s shoulder at the editing bay, saying, “I think this scene could use some more BS”.

Since Expelled will probably be nothing more than an hour an a half of “preaching to the choir”, the producers should have gone ahead and hired a Christian to host the film. Kirk Cameron’s schedule must have a few openings, and he’s got plenty of experience making a fool out of himself while cameras are rolling. If Cameron couldn’t be coaxed to remove his lips from Ray Comfort’s ass long enough to narrate a documentary, maybe Willie Aames could have done it. He at least has a great “willing to wearing silly outfits” reference in his resume.

If Cameron and Aames are too cheesy, perhaps the producers could have gotten Stephen Baldwin; he could pull in the dozen or so people who still think he’s cool based solely on his performance in The Usual Suspects.

Bunnell to Myers, Dawkins and Eugenie Scott:
“All three of you are in so much shit, it’s almost unbelievable.”

If I had a hand in the production of Expelled, my choice for narrator would have been Sheriff John Bunnell. He would have kicked ass:

These dizzy Darwinian dogmatists might have thought they were dealing Deistic Design a deathblow by defending their draconian dissertations with deftly-delivered doublespeak, but thanks to this sudden surge of sanctimonious sectarian pseudoscientists selling a sentient Sky-Daddy to susceptible schoolchildren, the only place these evil-utionists will be holding class is… in hell!

Shit, I’d pay money to hear some of that.

The more I think about it, the more I’m down with Cephus’s idea of going all Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Expelled. I’d like to see Expelled re-dubbed a la Shogun Assassin, or better yet, Kung Faux. Or maybe taking dialog and narration from existing movies and splicing it into Expelled would work. I think using some of Ron Howard’s narration from Arrested Development would be perfect.

My family and friends consider me a Movie Nazi; it takes very little for me to get turned off to a movie. For example, while most people would agree with me that Daredevil blew chunks, it was the fact that at the start of the movie, starving attorney Matt Murdock was prosecuting a case that did it for me. I realize that suspension of disbelief is part and parcel of the movie viewing experience, but too many filmmakers use that as an excuse to be lazy. Suspension of disbelief shouldn’t even apply to a documentary, anyway; I bring it up only to say that while I enjoy Droopy cartoons I wouldn’t necessarily want to see a documentary narrated by Droopy Dog. If I did watch a movie narrated by Droopy, I’d expect anvils to start falling out of the sky at some point in the film.

It’s the same thing with Ben Stein. A few seconds after hearing his voice, I’m either looking for the Visine, or changing the channel. It has nothing to do with what an asshole he is; we’ve all heard the expression “he has a face made for radio“… Ben Stein has a voice made for mime.

I got a flyer in the mail today from a neighborhood church. On the front was a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross with the words, “an Easter Love Story”, below the image. On the back of the flyer was this:

For God SO loved the world… We’ve probably all heard the start to that verse, but what does it really mean in our daily lives? Come join us this Easter at Parkdale Baptist Church as we discover the type of practical, everlasting and sacrificial love God has for us. It’s a story that offers guidance for life’s challenges, encouragement in life’s difficulties and hope for eternity. It can be your story too!

As Tina Turner would say, “What’s love got to do with it?” Seriously, I just don’t get any sort of “Love Story” vibe when I read the Bible, especially the crucifixion stories. Instead of your typical “Boy Meets Girl” story, we get this:

• Omnipotent Being meets girl
• Omnipotent Being uses magic to impregnate girl
• Thirty some-odd years later, child of Omnipotent Being and girl gets nailed to a cross
• After being dead for three days, child of Omnipotent Being and girl comes back to life and ascends to Heaven

I guess one might say that’s a happy ending… if one is willing to overlook the whole “everyone who doesn’t believe this shit gets thrown into a Lake of Fire in the sequel” angle to the story.

I realize I’m grossly oversimplifying the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, but the details don’t really help. The whole “Jesus died for your sins” concept doesn’t sound like love to me. In fact, it reeks of overkill. It’s really arrogant to think you’re so important that you’ve done something which merits a human sacrifice in order to make things right again.

Furthermore, “Jesus died for your sins” doesn’t make much sense in light of the fact - according to the Bible - He didn’t really die. I guess “died for your sins” carries a little more impact than the more truthful, “Jesus gave up Spring Break for your sins”.

Christianity has always been one of those things that the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. I feel I’m not alone in thinking that way, seeing how so many youngsters are getting disillusioned with the Jesus Fan Club.

Some of you might think what I’m about to do is tantamount to giving aid and comfort to the enemy, but I’ve been reading a lot about young people leaving the church, and I’d like to offer Christians some friendly advice on how to get the kids interested in Jesus once more.

The solution is not only simple, it’s Biblically sound: Zombies.

Something on which we can all agree: Churches could use more brains.

It’s a well known fact that kids love zombies. If you’ve got children, ask your son or daughter which they’d rather have at their next birthday party: clowns or zombies? If your child says “clowns” (or even worse, “a magic show”) memorize this phrase: “I had no idea my child would grow up to be a serial killer”; it will come in handy someday.

It’s beyond me why churches haven’t latched on to Zombies as a marketing tool. Some Christians might deny there are zombies in the Bible, but it’s right there, in Matthew 27, verses 45 through 53:

Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias. And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink. The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him. Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.

Those are just about the coolest verses in the Bible, but you never hear preachers talking about zombies running around Jerusalem. I realize some Biblical literalists might point out that the word “zombie” doesn’t actually appear in the Bible; my response is, “so what?”. The word “dinosaur” doesn’t appear in the Bible, yet Ken Ham built a multi-million dollar museum dealing with Dinosaurs and the Bible. The word “homosexuality” occurs exactly zero times in the King James Bible, but to listen to some preachers, you’d think that’s the only subject the Bible covers. If creationists can extrapolate the word “plesiosaur” from the Biblical Leviathan, then surely Christians can agree that Dead People Coming Out of Their Graves = Zombies. This is ain’t rocket science, people.

Even I might consider attending this church.

Even one of the great minds of the Enlightenment, Thomas Paine, knew the zombie issue warranted more investigation. In The Age of Reason, he wrote:

The writer of the book of Matthew should have told us who the saints were that came to life again, and went into the city, and what became of them afterward, and who it was that saw them — for he is not hardy enough to say he saw them himself; whether they came out naked, and all in natural buff, he-saints and she-saints; or whether they came full dressed, and where they got their dresses; whether they went to their former habitations, and reclaimed their wives, their husbands, and their property, and how they were received; whether they entered ejectments for the recovery of their possessions, or brought actions of crim. con. against the rival interlopers; whether they remained on earth, and followed their former occupation of preaching or working; or whether they died again, or went back to their graves alive, and buried themselves.

Strange, indeed, that an army of saints should return to life, and nobody know who they were, nor who it was that saw them, and that not a word more should be said upon the subject, nor these saints have anything to tell us! Had it been the prophets who (as we are told) had formerly prophesied of these things, they must have had a great deal to say. They could have told us everything and we should have had posthumous prophecies, with notes and commentaries upon the first, a little better at least than we have now. Had it been Moses and Aaron and Joshua and Samuel and David, not an unconverted Jew had remained in all Jerusalem. Had it been John the Baptist, and the saints of the time then present, everybody would have known them, and they would have out-preached and out-famed all the other apostles. But, instead of this, these saints were made to pop up, like Jonah’s gourd in the night, for no purpose at all but to wither in the morning.

Chances are, at least one church in your town puts on an annual Passion Play (except when YHWH sends unfavorable weather), but do they include Zombies in their production? With Hell Houses becoming a popular method of “witnessing” these days, adding Zombies to your church’s Passion Play only seems like the next logical step.

For that matter, any filmmaker wanting a prefab “cult” audience can kill two birds with one stone by making a new, improved “Greatest Story Ever Told” by adding Zombies to the mix. As The Passion of the Christ demonstrated, the MPAA has no problem at all with snuff films, as long as Jesus is the star of the picture. That means you could make the goriest Zombie movie ever made, and not only would the diehard gorehounds be lining up to see it, church leaders would command their flocks to see it as many times as they can.

The really cool thing about a Zombie Jesus Movie is that they didn’t have guns back in the Bible days. Since it’s a scientific fact that Zombies can only be killed by destroying the brain, Bible Zombies would be especially hard to kill, bringing a fresh perspective to a genre that’s gotten stale over the years. Plus, Bruce Campbell would make a badass Jesus.

Christians love to parade one of the central contradictions of their religion with silly “Buddha and Mohammed are dead, but Jesus lives!” arguments. If Jesus lives, how could he have died for our sins? If he died, but now is no longer dead, then he’s a freakin’ Zombie. There’s no need to explain away this paradox; it should be celebrated and exploited.

There’s been some really good movies coming out of South Korea over the past few years. From intelligent thrillers (Joint Security Area, Memories of Murder) to whacked-out conspiratorial sci-fi movies (Save the Green Planet), Koreans are exporting movies replete with an adventurous spirit rarely seen in the unimaginative pabulum coming out of Hollywood these days.

South Korea’s contribution to the Monster Movie genre is Joon-ho Bong’s 2006 film, The Host.

In 2000, an American civilian employed by the US military dumped over 20 gallons of formaldehyde down a sink, a move that led to the chemical being released into the Han River. The Korean government tried to put the culprit in prison, but the United States claimed jurisdiction, leading to a lot of protests outside embassies and military installations throughout Korea.

Just as the atom bomb inspired Japan’s classic Godzilla franchise, this incident serves as the impetus behind The Host, so fair warning: if you’re looking for some gung-ho “America, fuck yeah!” jingoism, maybe you should watch Red Dawn instead.

The Host isn’t your typical monster movie. In spite of the obvious Godzilla comparison, the movie has more in common with Jaws and Tremors. Furthermore, unlike most films in the genre that spend the first two acts teasing the audience before revealing the monster in all its glory, The Host reveals its creature in Act One, spending the remainder of the film dealing with the aftermath of the destruction caused by the creature.

In addition to the monster, The Host follows the exploits of the Park family; patriarch Hie-bong (Hie-bong Byeon) and his slacker son Gang-Du (Korean mega-star Kang-Ho Song) operate a concession stand on the banks of the river Han, while Gang-Du’s daughter Hyun-seo (Ah-sung Ko) attends a nearby middle school. Hyun-seo is so embarrassed by her father that she gets her unemployed, drunken uncle Nam-il (Hae-il Park) to visit her class for career day. After school, she and her grandfather watch her aunt Nam-Joo (Du-na Bae) compete in a televised archery competition.

The otherwise tranquil day is interrupted when tourists relaxing on the banks of Han River notice something strange dangling beneath the Wonhyo Bridge. Far too many horror movies rely on People Doing Stupid Things as a plot device, but The Host uses stupid behavior to great effect. Without giving anything away, I’ll just say that the creature’s introduction is dependent upon People Doing Stupid Things, but it’s done in a manner that makes perfect sense, much like the way people will slow down to see the aftermath of an auto accident.

I can has cheezburger?

When young Hyun-seo gets swallowed up by the monster, the Park family gathers to grieve their loss at a makeshift vigil/shelter set up by the authorities. Hyun-seo’s apparent death hits the family hard, as she represented the family’s future; everyone had hoped that she would be the one who succeeded. While many movies aim for tragedy and wind up with unintentional comedy (and vice versa), the memorial scene in The Host tries to be simultaneously tragic and funny… and succeeds.

Therein lies the rub with The Host. Fans of traditional monster flicks might be bothered by The Host’s disregard for the genre’s constraints, but those of you who are tired of the Same Old Thing will be pleasantly surprised. It’s funny, sad, playful and serious, often all at once.

Once the Korean authorities and the US Center for Disease Control get involved, the surviving members of the Park clan must follow Gang-Du to quarantine. But when Hyun-seo finally manages to get a signal on that shitty cell phone dad bought her, the Parks become Seoul’s Most Wanted and must contend with the police, the military, secretive medical organizations, corrupt contractors, greedy black marketeers, and treacherous friends.

The acting is great across the board, but the standout for me was young Ah-sung Ko. She had to play entire scenes on her own, and her acting was crucial in selling the monster to the audience.

Something slimy this way comes.

The monster effects are spotty in some areas, but the filmmakers made a good decision by introducing the creature in the first act. Its initial rampage is both convincing and impressive. By giving us sympathetic characters with a tangible mission instead of a bunch of self-absorbed idiots wandering aimlessly through darkened corridors, the viewer actually invests in the movie by rooting for the protagonists instead of hoping to see them devoured by the monster.

All in all, The Host is great, mindless fun if you just want to watch a monster movie, but there’s plenty of subtext for those of you who want a little more. Repeated viewings reveal inside jokes, too. Kang-Ho Song and Hie-bong Byeon were in Bong’s Memories of Murder, and there’s a scene in The Host featuring a cameo by another actor from Memories; if you’ve seen both films, the casting makes more sense.

Although the DVD comes with an English dub, I’d recommend watching it in Korean. There’s a major scene that operates under the assumption that none of the characters speak English, so it plays out a lot differently in English.

I haven’t seen Cloverfield, but I’ve heard it compared to The Host. I’ll just say that if you liked Jaws, Tremors, and the old Godzilla movies, chances are, you’ll get a big kick out of The Host.

Here’s a 30-second clip of the creature’s riverside rampage to give you an idea about the SFX. The view from the train really captures the “Holy shit!!!ELEVEN!” spirit of the first act.

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

I have a confession to make. I love me some “Scariest Police Videos” shows. I especially love riot footage. I have a preference for programs that take a more forensic approach to the footage, but sadly, most of the shows are pure sensationalism, and no one brings the hyperbole like Sheriff John Bunnell, host of Fox’s World’s Wildest Police Videos.

Bunnell made his debut on COPS, then hosted the short-lived series, American Detective. He’s also appeared in the films Ghost World (he’s Steve Buscemi’s boss) and Bad Santa (he’s the cop who arrests Billy Bob Thornton). However, it’s on World’s Wildest Police Videos where Sheriff John Bunnell really shines.

Known for his flair for alliteration and his use of the phrases “the next time” and “in jail!” in close proximity to one another, the typical Bunnell narrative goes a little something like this:

During my career as a cop, I’ve seen countless crazy criminals casually cruise communities casing kitchens and cafes for cold cash… like these ruthless robbers who recklessly raided a Red Robin restaurant. When a fast-thinking fry cook fought these felons, the fists flew fast and furious. And when brave boys in blue broke through the burglars’ blockade, they found these bungling bandits had already been battered by the belligerent burgermaker. These crooks might have been hungry for some cold, hard
cash, but instead, they got served a side order of hot justice. The next time these lawbreakers enjoy a hot meal will be… in jail!

If over-the-top narration was Bunnell’s only crime, he could easily be forgiven… but he’s also full of shit. It’s not an oversimplification to say that in Sheriff John Bunnell’s eyes, law enforcement officers can do no wrong.

Case in point: I had watched a show that discussed in detail the 1991 Sacramento hostage crisis. It featured cops and criminilogists talking about many mistakes made by the police officials, primarily in the negotiation process. When the same footage was shown on World’s Wildest Police Videos, the criminals became “terrorists” and the cops, of course, became heroes. Bunnell even said something like, “and then a quick-thinking sharpshooter saw his opportunity and took the shot - his fellow officers then rescued the terrified hostages and put an end this dramatic situation”.

The problem with that is… it’s not anywhere near being true. What Bunnell failed to tell the audience is that the “quick-thinking sharpshooter” missed his shot which sent the hostage-takers into a frenzy. They immediately started shooting hostages and the cops had to prematurely rush the store in an attempt to defuse a disastrous situation. Three hostages died and fourteen were wounded. Three of the four hostage-takers were also killed in the incident, but Bunnell doesn’t mention any of this. What an asshole.

As much as I love these cop shows, I’ve learned from Bunnell’s example to be skeptical of the claims made by “experts”. I’m also a big fan of Forensic Files, but I’ve seen at least one episode that was bogus. There was a show that profiled Sandra Anderson and her cadaver-sniffing dog. Anderson was later caught planting evidence at crime scenes, and eventually admitted to planting evidence in the case that had been aired on Forensic Files.

Unfortunately, it’s unrealistic to expect any accountability when it comes to police shows. COPS revolutionized the way law enforcement deals with the media. Ever since Dragnet went off the air, if a cop show was remotely realistic, it tended to be unflattering. In COPS, Fox found a hit show that didn’t need writers… something every network dreams of. Had COPS shown police officers engaging in brutality and corruption, other agencies would be less inclined to participate in future episodes. Sadly, this principle has spread across non-fiction cop shows, so there are rarely any programs dealing with police brutality, prosecutorial misconduct and junk forensic science. That’s a shame, because there’s no shortage of source material.

But back to Sheriff John Bunnell. I’ve always thought he was a ripe target for parody, but I’ve never seen a comedy show tackle the subject. After Dennis Miller and Rush Limbaugh lost their Monday Night Football gigs, I had hoped Saturday Night Live would do a skit with Bunnell auditioning for a commentator spot. I could picture him calling a play with something like, “This ditzy Dallas defender thought he could run interference on this Packers’ powerful pass, but a quick-thinking referee corralled this crooked Cowboy. Instead of an interception, this offending defender gave the Packers an automatic first down! The next time he sees a half-time show, he’ll be in jail!” Okay, I’m sure a professional could funny it up in post-production, but you get the idea…

Strangely enough, the Brits have taken a shine to Sheriff John Bunnell. Here’s a pretty decent parody of World’s Wildest Police Videos done by our friends across the pond. I love the running “Alabama” gag and the “every day, people like you and me break the law… except for me, because I’m John Bunnell!” bit. I should warn those of you who are in your little office cubicles that there’s profanity in this one, so it may be considered NSFW.

And here’s a very well-made clip using scenes from GTA: San Andreas:

A tip of the headgear to Cephus at Bitch Spot for this one.

I’ve been a fan of Scarlett Johansson ever since I saw Ghost World. She was also in a sweet little indie film I liked, Manny & Lo. For some reason, she’s always reminded me of Lauren Bacall, and anything that reminds me of a Big Sleep-era Lauren Bacall is a Good Thing.

Now I have even more reason to appreciate Scarlett Johansson. It’s been rumored that the Church of Scientology held “casting calls” in order to find a bride for their batshit crazy poster boy, Tom Cruise. Ms. Johansson briefly considered the offer, but once she realized that church membership was part of the package, she gave them the ol’ “Thanks, but no thanks“. Good on you, Scarlett!

Those of you who share my absolute loathing of Scientology might also be interested in knowing that actor Tom Berenger gets three thumbs up* from The Church Burnin’ Ebola Blog. Supposedly, Tom had no problem with his wife’s involvement in the Church of Scientology, but once she tried to convert their children, he kicked her to the curb faster than you can say “clear“:

According to papers Berenger filed in divorcing his second wife, his marriage ended when she became “totally involved” in Scientology and tried “brainwashing” their children into the cult.

So pop that copy of Platoon in the DVD player (or better yet, The Substitute), put some popcorn in the microwave, and do like Scarlett Johansson does: Tell Scientology to go get fucked.

* remind me to explain this later. It’s an inside joke in my family…

“I’m too stupid and lazy to configure the V-Chip on my television”

Now the longer version… Thomasson’s idiotic column was printed in today’s local fishwrap. Here’s the Letter to the Editor I’ve sent in response:

Was it a slow day for news, or what? The 761 words in Dan K. Thomasson’s March 11 column, “TV overkill: A serial murderer in prime time”, could have easily been summed up with one simple sentence: “I’m too lazy to configure the V-Chip on my television.”

Every single television set sold in the United States since January 2000 has been required by Federal Law to include the V-Chip. In the time it took Thomasson to write his ill-informed column, he could have consulted his TV’s instruction manual and solved his problem with a few simple steps.

Thomasson strikes me as the curmudgeonly type who likes to rail against all this highfalutin technology. If that’s the case, he might be pleased to know that virtually every child in this country comes equipped with some old-fashioned technology known as a “parent” (sometimes referred to as “guardian”). Mr. Thomasson seems unaware of the concept, as he wants to place all the responsibility for what children watch on the shoulders of the networks.

What will Thomasson write about next? How those new-fangled “Horseless Carriages” are scaring his mules? Those silly Beatles with their long hair and loud music?

I was going to close with the suggestion that Thomasson read a book instead, then recommend a novel by Jeff Lindsay. That would have brought my word count past 200, and I doubt if readers would have gotten the joke. (FYI, Jeff Lindsay wrote Darkly Dreaming Dexter, the novel on which the TV series is based.)

I realize that The Grumpy Old Man Who Complains About Everything is a staple of newspaper opinion pages, but with so many legitimate things to complain about, Thomasson’s column just comes off as the whining of a really stupid person who wants to assault an easy target.

It’s been reported elsewhere that anti-science kook Tom Bethell has written a positive review of Expelled. Naturally, the science religious and political blogs see this as big news, although I didn’t see any headlines proudly proclaiming, “HIV Denier Gives Thumbs Up to Expelled!”.

Since coming up with an orginal thought is a big chore for most creationists - unless, of course, they just make shit up as they go along - it’s impossible for any of the creationist bloggers to add their thoughts to the review since producing an original thought AND typing with one hand is virtually impossible for cdesign proponentsists. Reasonable Kansans, Uncommon Descent and The Christian Mind either post a link to the review and/or some excerpts from the review.

Only one political blog, BrothersJudd Blog, offers any commentary:

Indeed, folks who insist that Darwinism is compatible with a Creator just don’t understand the theory or its intent.

It’s important to remember that the next big event for Intelligent Design isn’t the upcoming issue of Progress in Complexity, Information, and Design. It’s not that new research coming from The Biologic Institute. It’s a documentary that deals not with the science behind ID (there is none, for those of you keeping score), but with Intelligent Design’s favorite pastime: Playing the persecution card.

This is the clean opening credits to one of my favorite anime, Read or Die. It’s a three-episode OVA centering around the adventures of bibliomaniac Yomiko Readman, a mild-mannered substitute teacher. An anime about a substitute teacher who loves to read might sound boring, but Ms. Readman has another job… she’s a special agent for the British Library, code named “The Paper”. Yomiko is also a “Paper Master”: she can manipulate regular sheets of paper into weapons, gliders and defensive shields. The plot is pretty ridiculous, but the animation is excellent, and the music is fantastic. Dig the James Bond/Lalo Schifrin/Shaft groove the theme music has.

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Read or Die was followed by the 26-episode R.O.D. the TV, which IMO is even better than Read or Die.

By the way, “Yomiko Readman” is a Japanese/English play on words. “Yomi” is the Japanese word for “read” and “ko” is a common feminine suffix, so her name is “Readwoman Readman”

John Carpenter’s The Thing is probably one of my all-time favorite horror movies. Released in 1982, it flopped at the box office primarily due to competition from a certain alien whose initials are E.T. Since that time, however, it has gained cult status, mainly due to its orgy of old-school special effects, a great ensemble cast, and one of the greatest lines in The History of Horror Films, which is featured in the clip I’m showcasing.

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

I’ve been meaning to post this clip for awhile, but I kept procrastinating. Today, certain events conspired against me and now I have no choice but to post it. See below for the full rant…
(more…)

I often catch hell from fellow movie buffs because I’ve never seen Trainspotting. The truth is, if all goes well, I’ll go to my grave having never seen it.

I don’t own any John Prine albums. I hear he’s a brilliant songwriter, but I wouldn’t be able to name a song he’s written if my life depended on it.

My aversion to Trainspotting and John Prine is deeply rooted and closely connected.

South Texas is one of the major corridors for the trafficking of cocaine and heroin into the United States. I’ve never done heroin in my life, but I have known a disproportionate amount of junkies in my time. I used to live in Los Angeles and San Francisco, but I’ve never known as many junkies as I’ve known in South Texas.

Some of you may know where I’m going with this in regards to Trainspotting, but what the hell does it have to do with John Prine? Almost every junkie I’ve ever known has been a John Prine fan. Not “John Prine fan” as in they like all kinds of music, including John Prine, but “John Prine fan” as in everytime the subject of music comes up, John Prine is the first name that comes out of their mouths.

I’m generally annoyed by people who are overly fanatical about one particular artist. I knew a guy who was actually that way about Paul McCartney. Not The Beatles, but Paul fucking McCartney. He even referred to him as “Sir Paul McCartney”. I know another person who can’t talk about music without bringing up the alleged greatest band in the history of music, Urge Overkill. But these are merely anomalies; every single person I have ever met who has been a John Prine fanatic was also a heroin addict, and it’s created in me a Pavlovian response. I can’t think of John Prine without associating him with annoying fucking junkies. John Prine may very well be a talented singer and songwriter, but I’ll never know.

Because I’ve had the displeasure of knowing so many dope fiends, I don’t really enjoy movies about drug addiction. I liked The Man With the Golden Arm and Drugstore Cowboy, but I have no desire to see Trainspotting or Requiem for a Dream. If I want to watch junkies, all I have to do is stick my head out the window.