CBEB’s

When I blogged about Dan K. Thomasson’s wasteful griping the other day, I mentioned that there are plenty of legitimate things about which a person can complain, but what’s on television isn’t one of those things. I then started thinking about stuff that makes me piss and moan. Here’s a list of some of my Pet Peeves, in no particular order… although the first one will be the biggest one.

1) People who feel they’re obligated to be rude to “the help”: Anyone who’s ever worked in the service industry will know what I’m talking about. There’s a certain type of customer who feels that just because they’re spending their hard-earned money on a meal, they’re not just entitled to be obnoxious, they’re required to act like assholes. As a youngster, I worked in bars, restaurants and coffee shops, so I’ve had to deal with these people up close and personal. I’ve never quite understood the mentality behind this behavior, but my guess is that it stems from some sort of irrational elitism. Elitism isn’t always a bad thing, but people who to the philosophy of “if you don’t like being treated this way, you should have become an investment banker” are more irrational than they are elitist.

I never spat in anyone’s drink or otherwise sabotaged anyone’s meal or beverage. I think that’s just as wrong as being rude, if not more so. My way of dealing with it was to always give the customer the bare minimum of service. A customer at a bar ought to be able to get the hint when the bartender is taking the time to measure his shots to ensure that an extra splash of bourbon doesn’t wind up in a drink.

I learned that trick while working at a coffee shop in San Francisco. The place also sold ice cream, and one night an unruly customer came in and immediately started in with the overbearing asshole routine. The manager of the place was serving her, and he was being completely professional towards her behavior. The woman demanded a sample of almost every flavor before settling on a small scoop of strawberry. In a voice oozing with sincerity, the manager asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer the vanilla?” She stuck with the strawberry, and when the manager served it to her, she started accusing him of ripping her off. A small scoop is four ounces of ice cream, and she demanded that he weigh it. With the utmost courtesy, he placed the ice cream on the scale, and it weighed something like 4.2 ounces. “I’m terribly sorry about that, ma’am,” said the manager as he removed the extra two-tenths of an ounce from her ice cream. Before he could hand it back to her, the customer had stormed out the door without saying a word. We laughed about that for days.

Even worse than working at a job and having to deal with rude customers is going out to eat with people who are uncivil to waiters. I’ve gone to restaurants with seemingly well-mannered people who turned into sociopaths as soon as they picked up a menu. It’s really unnecessary and embarrassing.

2) Music as a social status indicator: There’s only one valid reason for listening to any particular music, and that’s because you like it. Someone might like a band because a friend or relative is in the group, but that shouldn’t really obligate anyone to like a band.

If you think you’re sticking it to the man because you listen to Rage Against the Machine, you’re an idiot. If you think you’re part of some underground scene because you listen to Linkin Park, you need to die. Now. If you think your favorite punk singer sold out because he’s made enough money to buy a house, you’re a selfish prick.

The worst of all, however, is the middle-aged hipster who thinks he’s on the cutting edge of the music scene because he’s bought an album by a “new” artist. A few years ago, every balding father of three who crossed my path thought they were the shit because they had just bought a Norah Jones CD. Nothing against Norah Jones, but if you think owning a Norah Jones CD makes you cool, you’ve probably never been cool in your entire life.

3) The “if you don’t vote, you can’t complain” myth: This one really annoys me, especially when I hear it coming from an atheist. It’s a special pleading fallacy, much like a Christian saying that you can’t criticize Christianity or the Bible unless you’ve read the Bible in the original Hebrew or Greek. I realize that most people who don’t vote are simply apathetic, but not voting is also an effective way of protesting against the political process. I vote on occasion - mainly on the local level - but I long ago came to the realization that the overwhelming majority of candidates place the interests of the voters far below the interests of whatever political party they serve. When your dinner choice is a plate full of hot shit, or a plate full of cold shit, the logical choice is to go without dinner.

4) Youth Pastors: I’ve met several bona fide ministers in my life and most of them were decent, interesting people. Without exception, however, every “youth minister” I’ve ever met has been an irritating dickhead. They refer to everyone as “guy” or “bro”, and they make all these clumsy attempts to convince you that Christianity is “rad”: “Hey guy, I see you’re wearing a Jimi Hendrix t-shirt. I guess you think dying young is cool. Let me tell you about another rocker who died young; his name is Jesus Christ”. You know who else is going to die young? You, if you don’t shut the fuck up, asshole.

A friend of mine had an encounter with a tag team of youth pastors, and they kept rattling off the names of all these Christian metal bands who supposedly blow Slayer out of the water. My buddy had a great response: “All those guys ever sing about is Jesus; at least Slayer break up the devil stuff with songs about Nazis and serial killers”.

The youth ministers I’ve dealt with tend to be raging control freaks, too. In a group setting, it’s like they have to constantly be the center of attention, even if it means butting into private conversations. You might be talking about some obscure foreign film that hasn’t yet been released on DVD, and Joe Youth Pastor hears nothing but the word DVD and interrupts the discussion with, “Hey guys, you should come down to the Worship Center and watch The Passion of the Christ on the big screen… it’s awesome!”

The whole center-of-attention thing is a really primitive recruitment technique. They’re simply gambling that someone in the room lacks any sense of belonging, and will interpret the youth pastor’s affectation of friendliness as, “this guy cares about me and thinks I’m an interesting person”. Luckily, it only works on people who are too stupid to realize that someone who genuinely cares about you will usually make a sincere effort to actually listen to what you’re saying. Unfortunately, there are a lot of stupid people.

5) Profanity as “bad” language: I’ve got no problem with people who don’t use profanity and don’t like to read it or hear others use it, but if you’ve got a problem with profanity, be smart about it. There’s nothing inherently “bad” about profanity; “bad” language is saying “irregardless”, “that’s a mute point” or conflating “imply” and “infer”. If you don’t like others swearing at your dinner party, tell your guests not to use vulgar language. If you don’t want anyone swearing around your children, tell people not to use inappropriate language around the toddlers. To say profanity is “bad language” implies that it should never be used, and that’s just not true. When the lights go down, your girlfriend doesn’t want you to perform cunnilingus, she wants you to suck her pussy. Don’t be a prude about it.

Bonus Grammar Pet Peeves: I’m generally willing to overlook misspellings, but if English is your native tongue, there are some errors that are inexcusable. Overall, I try to take a forgiving attitude towards typos. There are some people with disabilities who have a hard time spelling, even with a spell-checker installed on their computers. On the other hand, some people ought to know better.

• Typo Pouncing: It’s one thing to correct another person’s spelling, but when you act like someone’s argument falls apart because they misspelled the word “Wednesday”, you come off looking like a nitpicking douchebag. This was the main reason I quit posting at the old Internet Infidels Discussion Board - this seemed to be a standard debate tactic used by otherwise intelligent atheists. It’s really petty, and it’s a hell of a lot more immature than a misspelled word.
• It’s “its”, not “it’s”: It’s one of the simplest rules in the English language: if it denotes possession, there’s no apostrophe in the word “its”. If you want to remember the rule backwards, the only time there’s an apostrophe in those three letters is when you’re contracting “it is” or “it has”.
• “Freedom of Speach” is “Bad Grammer”: Since I frequent a lot of blogs dealing with First Amendment issues, this one is quite common. If you value “Freedom of Speach”, please take the time to learn how to properly spell the word “speech”. Simple mnemonic device: You don’t ever see it misspelled as “Freadom of Speech”, do you?
  If you’re going to complain about the way other people write, your complaints will have a little more credence if you don’t gripe about “bad grammer”. If your coke dealer is putting his thumb on the metric scales, he’s a bad grammer; if he can’t form a coherent sentence, he might have bad grammar.
• Don’t be rediculous: I guess the common “re” prefix trips up a lot of people, but if someone is acting “rediculous” were they merely being “diculous” the first time?

This is, of course, only a partial list. There’s all sorts of crap out there that pisses me off… I’ll get to it eventually, I’m sure.

I have a confession to make. I love me some “Scariest Police Videos” shows. I especially love riot footage. I have a preference for programs that take a more forensic approach to the footage, but sadly, most of the shows are pure sensationalism, and no one brings the hyperbole like Sheriff John Bunnell, host of Fox’s World’s Wildest Police Videos.

Bunnell made his debut on COPS, then hosted the short-lived series, American Detective. He’s also appeared in the films Ghost World (he’s Steve Buscemi’s boss) and Bad Santa (he’s the cop who arrests Billy Bob Thornton). However, it’s on World’s Wildest Police Videos where Sheriff John Bunnell really shines.

Known for his flair for alliteration and his use of the phrases “the next time” and “in jail!” in close proximity to one another, the typical Bunnell narrative goes a little something like this:

During my career as a cop, I’ve seen countless crazy criminals casually cruise communities casing kitchens and cafes for cold cash… like these ruthless robbers who recklessly raided a Red Robin restaurant. When a fast-thinking fry cook fought these felons, the fists flew fast and furious. And when brave boys in blue broke through the burglars’ blockade, they found these bungling bandits had already been battered by the belligerent burgermaker. These crooks might have been hungry for some cold, hard
cash, but instead, they got served a side order of hot justice. The next time these lawbreakers enjoy a hot meal will be… in jail!

If over-the-top narration was Bunnell’s only crime, he could easily be forgiven… but he’s also full of shit. It’s not an oversimplification to say that in Sheriff John Bunnell’s eyes, law enforcement officers can do no wrong.

Case in point: I had watched a show that discussed in detail the 1991 Sacramento hostage crisis. It featured cops and criminilogists talking about many mistakes made by the police officials, primarily in the negotiation process. When the same footage was shown on World’s Wildest Police Videos, the criminals became “terrorists” and the cops, of course, became heroes. Bunnell even said something like, “and then a quick-thinking sharpshooter saw his opportunity and took the shot - his fellow officers then rescued the terrified hostages and put an end this dramatic situation”.

The problem with that is… it’s not anywhere near being true. What Bunnell failed to tell the audience is that the “quick-thinking sharpshooter” missed his shot which sent the hostage-takers into a frenzy. They immediately started shooting hostages and the cops had to prematurely rush the store in an attempt to defuse a disastrous situation. Three hostages died and fourteen were wounded. Three of the four hostage-takers were also killed in the incident, but Bunnell doesn’t mention any of this. What an asshole.

As much as I love these cop shows, I’ve learned from Bunnell’s example to be skeptical of the claims made by “experts”. I’m also a big fan of Forensic Files, but I’ve seen at least one episode that was bogus. There was a show that profiled Sandra Anderson and her cadaver-sniffing dog. Anderson was later caught planting evidence at crime scenes, and eventually admitted to planting evidence in the case that had been aired on Forensic Files.

Unfortunately, it’s unrealistic to expect any accountability when it comes to police shows. COPS revolutionized the way law enforcement deals with the media. Ever since Dragnet went off the air, if a cop show was remotely realistic, it tended to be unflattering. In COPS, Fox found a hit show that didn’t need writers… something every network dreams of. Had COPS shown police officers engaging in brutality and corruption, other agencies would be less inclined to participate in future episodes. Sadly, this principle has spread across non-fiction cop shows, so there are rarely any programs dealing with police brutality, prosecutorial misconduct and junk forensic science. That’s a shame, because there’s no shortage of source material.

But back to Sheriff John Bunnell. I’ve always thought he was a ripe target for parody, but I’ve never seen a comedy show tackle the subject. After Dennis Miller and Rush Limbaugh lost their Monday Night Football gigs, I had hoped Saturday Night Live would do a skit with Bunnell auditioning for a commentator spot. I could picture him calling a play with something like, “This ditzy Dallas defender thought he could run interference on this Packers’ powerful pass, but a quick-thinking referee corralled this crooked Cowboy. Instead of an interception, this offending defender gave the Packers an automatic first down! The next time he sees a half-time show, he’ll be in jail!” Okay, I’m sure a professional could funny it up in post-production, but you get the idea…

Strangely enough, the Brits have taken a shine to Sheriff John Bunnell. Here’s a pretty decent parody of World’s Wildest Police Videos done by our friends across the pond. I love the running “Alabama” gag and the “every day, people like you and me break the law… except for me, because I’m John Bunnell!” bit. I should warn those of you who are in your little office cubicles that there’s profanity in this one, so it may be considered NSFW.

And here’s a very well-made clip using scenes from GTA: San Andreas:

Like any red-blooded American teenager, I grew up worshipping at the altar of Led Zeppelin. At one point in my life, I owned all their official albums, plus a live bootleg (note: this was before In Through the Out Door was released, so I can proudly say I never owned that piece of shit). I even had that big-ass Led Zeppelin poster hanging on my wall.

Although a lot of my favorite bands fell by the wayside once I discovered punk, I never fully replaced rock with punk. By the early 80s, when I was buying each and every punk album I could find, I still listened to a lot of Neil Young and Rory Gallagher. I still like punk, but I eventually returned to my roots. I like Judas Priest now more than I did as a teenager, and I’m not embarrassed to admit that I actually own Ted Nugent’s Intensities in Ten Cities album.

Led Zeppelin, however, is one of a handful of bands to whom I can no longer listen. Lest anyone think I’m simply being contrary or trying to go against the grain, I’m going to catalog the reasons why I hate Led Zeppelin.

1) The New Yardbirds, or Willie Dixon tribute band?: Buying the Willie Dixon Chess Box in 1989 was a revelation for me. I had only recently discovered Howlin’ Wolf, so hearing the original versions of “Back Door Man”, Spoonful” and “Little Red Rooster” had made The Doors, Cream, and The Stones look like pussies. The Willie Dixon box contains the original versions of “I Can’t Quit You”, “Bring it on Home” and “You Shook Me“. The biggest shock, though, was hearing Muddy Waters’ “You Need Love”, which had previously been unreleased in the US. For those of you who don’t know, Willie Dixon received an undisclosed amount of money after he sued Led Zeppelin for not giving him credit for writing the lyrics to their mega-hit “Whole Lotta Love”. They covered two Willie Dixon songs on their first album, and their cover of Dixon’s “Bring it on Home” is on Led Zeppelin II, so claiming “Whole Lotta Love” as an original composition was a really stupid move on their part. The charges of plagiarism don’t end here, but that’s all I’m going to address at this time.

2) Jimmy Page, Jimmy Page, Jimmy Page, ad nauseum: There’s no doubt that Jimmy Page is one of rock’s all-time great guitarists; I’m not going to dispute that. But that’s part of the problem: Jimmy Page never wanted to dispute it, either. By their fourth album, Led Zeppelin’s sound had become so dependent on overdubs that their live shows suffered greatly (more about that later). It’s been rumored that Pete Townsend – who would never be considered a guitar virtuoso, but is nevertheless a great rock & roll guitarist - had the good sense to try to recruit The Creation’s Eddie Phillips as a second guitarist, a move which would have probably deeply enriched The Who’s sound. Led Zeppelin is a band that would have definitely benefited from having a second guitarist; not only would it have improved their live sound, another guitarist could have repaired some of Page’s clunky riffs (“Fool in the Rain” being a great example of building a song out of an unfinished riff).

3) Worst Live Album Ever?: Even when I was 13 years old, I knew something wasn’t quite right about The Song Remains the Same. I later acquired a live bootleg recorded when they toured the US in support of their second album, and it was vastly superior. Hearing one of Zep’s studio recordings on the radio doesn’t make me reach for the dial, but ever since I heard The Song Remains the Same, I’ve found it to be a painful listening experience.

4) Worst. Frontman. Ever.: Okay, I bagged on Jimmy Page, but at least I can admit that Page has some skills. Robert Plant, on the other hand, was named by the late, great Spy Magazine as “The Most Embarrassing Man in Rock & Roll”… with good reason. Returning to The Song Remains the Same, check out Plant during the live version of “Stairway to Heaven”. When he gets to the line, “and the forests will echo with laughter”, he utters what must be the dumbest stage banter in the history of music: “Does anyone remember laughter?” To make matters worse, he says it in that ridiculous falsetto of his. Argh, that falsetto. It’s bad enough when Plant sings in that voice, but when he talks in falsetto, it’s like a pillowcase full of kittens being tortured. I don’t have anything against falsetto; Bill Kenny of the Inkspots sang falsetto, but the big difference is that he knew what he was doing. Ozzy Osbourne at least had the decency to work within his limitations as a vocalist; Robert Plant made the mistake of thinking his vocal abilities matched Page’s guitar skills. Incidentally, Donovan was Page’s original choice for vocal duties. Had that actually happened, my opinion of Led Zeppelin might be much different.

5) A Profound Influence Isn’t Always a Good Thing: There’s no doubt that Led Zeppelin influenced numerous bands or that they had a huge impact on how rock music is performed and marketed. Carbon monoxide can have a profound influence on the human body’s nervous and cardiovascular systems, but I don’t see anyone proclaiming carbon monoxide as the Greatest Gas Molecule Ever.

1. Robert Plant somehow convinced the world that rock lyrics would sound better sung at a range only audible to dogs and bats. Thanks to his contribution to rock & roll, we can now enjoy the vocal stylings of Vince Neil, Sammy Hagar, David Coverdale and Steve Perry.
2. Plenty of other bands – including The Beatles – wrote stupid, pretentious lyrics before Page, Plant & Co. ever put pen to paper, but Led Zeppelin achieved new heights in idiotic lyrics. Exhibit A: “Stairway to Heaven”. Exhibit B: Chances are, Zeppelin had an influence on Ronnie James Dio’s writing style.
3. There was a time when a band didn’t need to have an album out in order to get airplay. By refusing to release singles from their albums, Led Zeppelin contributed mightily to the demise of the 45 rpm record. Not a Good Thing, in my opinion.

6) Good Fucking God, Are They Overplayed: I don’t listen to much radio. If I forget to bring some CDs, when I’m in the car I’ll alternate among oldies, classic rock, and Spanish-language radio. Next to the hideously overrated Boston, Led Zeppelin is the most overplayed band on Classic Rock Radio. It’s not enough that they play too much Zeppelin; they have to make a huge production out of playing too much of it. Our local classic rock station has these stupid “It’s time to get the Led out!” intros whenever they’re going to play two Led Zeppelin songs back-to-back, which only make me think to myself, “Wow! Led Zeppelin? I haven’t heard them in, gee… 30 minutes!” For fuck’s sake, play some Alice Cooper, Sensational Alex Harvey Band, Black Oak Arkansas… hell, I’d even settle for some pre-Hi Infidelity REO Speedwagon; considering all the genuine classic rock available, there’s no need to play two Zeppelin songs every hour. Goddamn.

I’m not going to enumerate my final beef against Led Zeppelin because it’s not a particularly strong point, but I’m going to address it, anyway. Are there any good covers of Led Zeppelin songs? I’ve heard D.O.A.’s cover of “Communication Breakdown”, Bongwater’s Mandarin-language cover of “Dazed and Confused” and Zappa’s version of “Stairway to Heaven”, but those are all basically tongue-in-cheek. I know I’ve heard other covers of Zeppelin songs, but apparently they were pretty forgettable. To me, this is a strong indicator that their songs may not be all they’re cracked up to be. Great musicians aren’t always great songwriters, you know.

I realize there are legions of Zeppelin fans out there, so if anyone disagrees with my assessment, I’m all ears. Just don’t post your response in falsetto.

Tomorrow I’ll be introducing a new category here at CBEB’s: Hatorade. With this category, I’ll be exposing my contrarian side, and it won’t be pretty. For the most part, I’ll be trying to slaughter some sacred cows in the fields of music and film, but I’m sure I’ll eventually deal with other subjects.

My first post will be a detailed indictment of a band that everyone knows and loves. Stay tuned…